Guest post:

Patricia A. Mackie

Advent is a time in the liturgical year that I never gave much attention to. After all, we all know that Christmas pretty much arrives right after the last bag of Halloween candy has been purchased. Christmas is easy to get excited about: there is all the fun of putting up the tree, watching our homes transform with lights and decorations. The snow begins to fall, the music starts to play, and as a child, of course, this is the most magical time of the year.

The Seasons Change…
When I was a newlywed I believed that the magic I had experienced as a child and even as a teen returning home from college would overflow into my new home. That first Christmas together I rushed my husband out to buy our very first Christmas tree the day after we got home from Thanksgiving. To my absolute shock and dismay I was not met with excitement and wonder. My new husband did not love Christmas the way I did, and he complained about the stores, and the price of trees. As we set up that first artificial tree, a substitute for my beloved fresh evergreen, he complained about how the plastic branches itched and scratched his arms. This was far from my fond memories of singing carols and reminiscing as we unwrapped our precious ornaments. This was not the proper feeling, it was all wrong. Where was the magic, the wonder, and the cheer? My husband humored me by throwing a party for people I barely knew, and we attended midnight mass that started at 10pm. Christmas day came and went. I distinctly remember feeling hollow and like I had missed out. I quickly packed away all the decorations and put everything back to normal before the new year started. Our Christmases continued in this way over the next 4 years. There were plenty of good memories made along the way. However, it always ended with a hollow feeling, and I couldn’t help but think something was missing. I began to dream and imagine that when children arrived they would bring the magic back with them. I started to wonder if this was just what Christmas was like as an adult.

Our first child did arrive in our 5th year of marriage and I was sure that the wonder would now be properly reinstated to the Christmas season. That Christmas was definitely special but most of it was lost to the first time parent fog. Even with all the wonderful memories made that year I again felt hollow, disappointed, as though I had failed to create the magic. I quickly packed away the season before a new year could begin.

As our family grew, the feeling of anticipation gave way to an overwhelmed feeling and lots of stress. There was the shopping, the pressure to find the perfect gift to make the children feel extra special. There were the crafts, the baking, and the dreaded Santa visits. Christmas was absolutely exhausting but not magical. Year after year, at the end of Christmas day, I crawled into bed feeling disappointed. Oh, and there was that familiar feeling again, that familiar hollow feeling.

Then one Christmas arrived, and this one will forever stand out as different from the rest. My husband really made an effort to enjoy all the Christmas preparations: he sang carols, drank hot chocolate, and discovered that wearing gloves saved his hands from the scratchiness of the tree. We also found out two days before Christmas that we were expecting again. The joy and excitement was palpable. Every food aversion and queasy moment was joy filled, as they held the promise of new life. I thought the magic was back, but Christmas came and went and that old familiar hollow feeling was stillthere. I rushed and packed away the decor and reset our home to its proper order for a fresh new year.

Grief Opens a Door…

This new year would be much different though.  I came down with the flu right as the new year began, and after days of being bed ridden I was feeling much better and was finally up and about with my children. That’s when the bleeding began. We rushed to the ER scared that we were losing our precious baby. We were told at the hospital that the baby was okay. I had an SCH, a small hemorrhage, and was sent home to rest.

After a lot of monitoring and several ultrasounds we were given the all clear, the hemorrhage was all healed up and baby looked good, and we relaxed. A few short days later we got the news that our baby’s heart had gone into arrest and she had died. All that was left was to wait for her to be born.

I share this story because in the depths of our grief I discovered why I felt so hollow year after year. It turns out the magic of Christmas had never been magic at all; it was actually the true awareness of Christ’s presence in my life. I had grown up, gotten married and started a career. I didn't need God. He could go worry about someone else. I still believed in God. I still loved God. I was thankful for what I had. However, I did not feel that I needed Him. I did not invite Him into my daily life.

After we lost our baby I could no longer function. My husband blamed himself. I blamed myself.  Our grief was so strong we couldn’t help each other. I wanted God close so He could feel my anger and my pain. I desperately wanted Mary to comfort me as only a mother who has lost her only child can. I prayed night and day, a constant flow of prayers. When my husband and I could no longer find words for one another we joined our words of petition and brought them to God together.

A New Season of Faith
We began to pray as a couple, which was weird and new. Through our joint prayers we could hear, love and support one another. In prayer, we were asking nothing of each other, since we were too empty to offer each other a thing. We were one very broken body asking our Creator to carry us. He did: He lifted us, He walked forward for us, He was there when we needed Him most.

When the next Advent rolled around, I wasn’t ready to rush into Christmas. With this new clarity came a new understanding of the anticipation. This was the time to reflect on the waiting and preparation and consider how this was a new year with new promise. To rush straight to Christmas would’ve been to miss the whole point: the opportunity to welcome God into my life. To truly offer myself to Him and tell Him “I need you, I can’t do this without You.” The church gives us four weeks to prepare our souls. I no longer stress away those four weeks. Now I take the time to reflect and pray and ask God what He wants from me. I take time to be silent and to listen. Now when Christmas arrives it is just the beginning. I’m in no hurry to clean up for the new year since I am already four weeks into the new year. I have been listening and looking at myself anew. The hollow feeling is gone. It has been replaced with a new happiness and peace. There was never any magic after all; it was God’s presence all along. All I had to do was welcome Him back into my life.

Life is now more routine than it was in the heart of our grief. We’ve added another child to our family. Our couple prayers may be a little fewer and further apart but they are just as powerful. Taking the time to pray as a couple is a gift. It helps us keep God where he should be, at the heart of our Marriage. Just as the Trinity is made up of 3 persons, God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, so, too, is the Sacrament of our Marriage; husband, wife and God.

When we are in the midst of troubles - whatever they may be - we seek God more frequently in prayer, but as the crisis subsides, often our prayers do as well. We get busy, life continues to move and we must re-enter the fray, but let us not forget God’s role in our lives, let us not leave our prayer life on the sidelines. Take the time to reinvigorate your prayer life; this is the season to prepare, a new year, what better time to re-devote ourselves to prayer and to God. Join us this Advent as we strive to pray as a couple every day of the season.

For more by this author, including her new book "Couples Advent Devotional", please click here.